Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
