i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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