Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
