Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
