I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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