Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
