my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
