Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize