take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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