Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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