i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
