the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
