Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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