dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
