Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize