i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
