I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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