Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
