Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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