I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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