i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
