Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
