should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
40s are totally the cure
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
