Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
