why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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