I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
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i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
