so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize