My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
last night I used snow as a chaser
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
