god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
