Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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