Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Still dying that you shit outside
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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