I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
