If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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