thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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