God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
