Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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