I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Girls should come with a carfax report
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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