you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize