I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
