don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
