my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
