I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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