I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
