i already hear my dad disowning me
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
