Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
