Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
