I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
