Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
