ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
false alarm, still single
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
