when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
