anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
