She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
