God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
