he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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