god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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