i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
