Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
