No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
