Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish you could order shots online.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
