Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
