I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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