My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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