dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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