I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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