dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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