Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
